I wish I was always as patient with bedtime as I was tonight. We recently converted the toddler bed to a full size, on top of my honey's general disdain for bed. After foreseeing hours of back and forth, I made a decision to stay in my son, Silas's, bed with him. If I hadn't taken the time to lay with him with, simply making myself available to his needs of comfort, I would have never heard what he was really trying to say with all the acting out and getting up...he missed his little bed. My heart nearly broke at the thought of my little boy's big life change. This may have been his first experience with facing the emotional stress that change inevitably presents in our lives. How scary for him! He needed me. He needed me to answer his 100+ questions about beds, the difference between babies and big boys, whether or not his friends slept in beds, why the dogs don't have bedtime, and on and on. As he drifted off to sleep, peacefully, after a night of reflection and expression, I felt so lucky to have not missed this opportunity to show him that I am there for him. I want him to learn to work through these things (not dwell and certainly not ignore) I have probably missed many moments where he could have used my emotional support, I will surely miss many more in his lifetime (and I'm ok with that , that's life..) But every moment I am able to prove to him that he can trust my love (maybe not me as a person always, but my infinite love for him) I am going to take as a huge win. The same love that will be with him after I am gone is the same love that is available through my human imperfection. My wish is to give him as many reasons to believe he is loved as I can. It is my belief that as he develops trust in Love (in the divine, in God, in the Great Spirit) he will learn to trust his inner voice, the voice that I can't hear for him. The voice that will lead him to his passion. I don't think there is a force more powerful than someone who has trust in Love.
I recently read an article that compared children to spiritual teachers because they are constantly testing your patience and noticing your inconsistencies. The article also said that "when a child pushes your buttons, remember they are your buttons, not theirs." Just keeping that thought in mind was such a powerful tool for me today. I'd be lying if I said I went to bed every night feeling like I totally rocked as a mom that day. (Ugh, mom guilt is the worst.) But tonight I am resting easy. In fact, Im flooded with memories of my own mom, family and friends and the many ways I felt their love, sometimes not in spite, but even because of their human flaws.
Seriously, being a mom is awesome! To love someone so much that you almost can't help but to stretch your consciousness daily is what life is all about as a mom. You find new meaning to the world as you take the time to really listen to what your children are asking you. You're child needs YOU to teach them
about what it is to be human. This task will prove extremely difficult unless you allow them, first, to teach you what it is like to be divine. I always knew my sweet, beautiful, amazing gift from above, my Silas, deserved the very best from me. Talk about pressure! It took years to come to the notion that doing my best is a lot less about living up to my chosen beliefs or philosophies (although they are important to have) and a lot more about giving, not only my son, but my husband, my family, my friends and most importantly myself permission to feel unfinished, incomplete, broken... all while remembering our perfectness, our divinity. Our infinite love.
