Serving Wings And Learning Things

  I have been waiting tables for almost nine years. It is through the endless practice of human interaction that I have seen myself evolve from a person who allows other people's behaviors, attitudes and appreciation (or lack thereof) to affect my mental and emotional well being, to someone who has created a strong enough understanding that the way people treat you is really just a reflection of how they feel about themselves at that particular moment in time. It is also true to me that you teach others, subconsciously, how to treat you based on the way you feel about yourself. My 12th grade religion teacher taught me that. Conflict still makes me feel weird and is always a very confusing time for me. I still struggle with learning how to confront without attacking and also how to not shut down in times where I *feel* like I am being attacked, but as I reflect on my job slinging wings, I realize that despite my shortcomings, I have learned a lot:

1. ) I learned to let it go. One tip is never going to make or break me. In the service industry, we all the know (and have been) the guy who gets $4 on a $100 check after being treated like dirt for two hours. Sometimes, an entire shift will begin to feel like volunteer work. Getting angry is the first step to letting that shit go. I was always really good at that part. Drop some F bombs if you have to, no one is going to judge you. What took me a while was coming to the liberating idea that by taking a step back and offering myself the perspective of looking at the big picture, (How much did I make, not today, but over the week or year? How many kind, gracious people did I have the pleasure of coming across? How great are my co-workers?!) it gives me an attitude of gratitude, which is really all the "gratuity" I need.  

2.) It is important to have a place where you feel free. We joke around at The Anchor Bar all the time that in order to work there you must be a little bit crazy, and it is true. We use the term "crazy" but I believe "free" is a much better way to, collectively, describe us. As I am making my way into adulthood it is increasingly, painfully obvious that people judge. We all judge. It seems as if our society is guarded behind some false idea of perfection. Finding people who allow you the freedom to be less than perfect is a blessing. Working in a restaurant tends to put so much short term stress on a person, that the facade of perfection breaks very easily. A bunch of people working together for years, under stress, with raw sense of self and others allows for a celebration of acceptance not found in many other places of employment. On a fundamental level, we commemorate authenticity. Professionalism takes a back seat to the much needed escape from the idea of perfection many of us live in, or at least live amongst. 

3.) Love is all around. Serving tables can be physically, mentally and emotionally draining. I was so exhausted and sensitive to rudeness at one point I dreaded going into work. (Okay, many points, there have been many, many points where I dreaded going into work. ) Instead of remaining miserable, I made the choice to start acknowledging acts of love. With the restaurant being so close in proximity to Roswell and Buffalo General, I started to realize how many patients, families and even members of the healthcare team I have been serving. One evening a husband and a wife came in and starting pounding beers and wings. They were clearly looking to ease their suffering. With my new found openness and their beer buzz I became privy to the fact that the woman had just found out she had a tumor and it *may* be cancerous. After chatting for a bit, she said to me, while looking in her husband's eyes, "I feel like I can handle anything with him by my side." Tears rolled down the man's face (I was able to hold mine in until I got to the kitchen) and he squeezed her hand as if to let her know she was right, she could handle anything and he was by her side. That's fucking love. Another time, there was a death in the family of two sisters who were working when they got the news. Both of them we're searching for each other when the news came in with tears in both of their eyes. When they finally met in the kitchen, they grabbed onto each other and just held one another. Their pain, as well as their love, was palpable. It seemed as if they we're the biggest comfort each of them could have asked for in that moment. It was beautiful. It was love. It is in these moments of love that I find sustenance for my soul as a human being. And I bow deeply in gratitude every time I am fortunate enough to be touched by them.

So, in conclusion, these are the things that I have learned in order to be happy at work and in life: Eat wings, let go, feel free, and always always always look for love. 

A New Years Resolution Poem

Thinner, nicer, more respectful of time...
Year after year, these resolutions of mine...
They pop back up, as if to say:
"You've failed again, in a different way."

The "I" in me just can't give me a break,
But this year, this time, the harshness is something my
spirit
won't
take.

"Open your eyes
Can't you see?
All that you have allowed yourself to be?

More Loved.
More Free."

Ego, caught between the devil and the deep blue sea,
eases up on me...
To another year of self discoveries..

Imperfect mother has a perfect moment

When you look passed your flaws as a parent, you tend to find something beautiful; You tend to find something that helps diminish those very imperfections.  As you acknowledge your shortcomings without allowing them to keep you hostage in fear (fear of ruining your child's life, fear of what other people think, fear of allowing cycles of abuse or dysfunction to continue, fear of illness...the worries that are inherited with becoming a parent can seem endless..) you actually begin to see yourself just as your child deserves for his mother or father to see themselves, infinite. You are love. You are infinite love. Few parents will deny this truth about their children, but far too many will deny it about themselves. 


I wish I was always as patient with bedtime as I was tonight. We recently converted the toddler bed to a full size, on top of my honey's general disdain for bed. After foreseeing hours of back and forth, I made a decision to stay in my son, Silas's, bed with him. If I hadn't taken the time to lay with him with, simply making myself available to his needs of comfort, I would have never heard what he was really trying to say with all the acting out and getting up...he missed his little bed. My heart nearly broke at the thought of my little boy's big life change. This may have been his first experience with facing the emotional stress that change inevitably presents in our lives. How scary for him! He needed me. He needed me to answer his 100+ questions about beds, the difference between babies and big boys, whether or not his friends slept in beds, why the dogs don't have bedtime, and on and on. As he drifted off to sleep, peacefully, after a night of reflection and expression, I felt so lucky to have not missed this opportunity to show him that I am there for him. I want him to learn to work through these things (not dwell and certainly not ignore) I have probably missed many moments where he could have used my emotional support,  I will surely miss many more in his lifetime (and I'm ok with that , that's life..) But every moment I am able to prove to him that he can trust my love (maybe not me as a person always, but my infinite love for him) I am going to take as a huge win. The same love that will be with him after I am gone is the same love that is available through my human imperfection. My wish is to give him as many reasons to believe he is loved as I can. It is my belief that as he develops trust in Love (in the divine, in God, in the Great Spirit) he will learn to trust his inner voice, the voice that I can't hear for him. The voice that will lead him to his passion. I don't think there is a force more powerful than someone who has trust in Love.
I recently read an article that compared children to spiritual teachers because they are constantly testing your patience and noticing your inconsistencies. The article also said that "when a child pushes your buttons, remember they are your buttons, not theirs." Just keeping that thought in mind was such a powerful tool for me today. I'd be lying if I said I went to bed every night feeling like I totally rocked as a mom that day. (Ugh, mom guilt is the worst.) But tonight I am resting easy. In fact, Im flooded with memories of my own mom, family and friends and the many ways I felt their love, sometimes not in spite, but even because of their human flaws.

Seriously, being a mom is awesome! To love someone so much that you almost can't help but to stretch your consciousness daily is what life is all about as a mom. You find new meaning to the world as you take the time to really listen to what your children are asking you. You're child needs YOU to teach them

about what it is to be human. This task will prove extremely difficult unless you allow them, first, to teach you what it is like to be divine. I always knew my sweet, beautiful, amazing gift from above, my Silas, deserved the very best from me. Talk about pressure! It took years to come to the notion that doing my best is a lot less about living up to my chosen beliefs or philosophies (although they are important to have) and a lot more about giving, not only my son, but my husband, my family, my friends and most importantly myself permission to feel unfinished, incomplete, broken... all while remembering our perfectness, our divinity. Our infinite love.

What I have learned in my three years of parenthood

My husband, Matt, and I, presumably like most parents, have an ongoing discussion about child rearing.  Our son, Silas, is awesome, simply put. So, while we do a great deal of patting ourselves on the back, we know we are really just extremely blessed. Parenting is beyond rewarding, but is not for the faint of heart; The foundation for happiness for your child is pretty much in your hands and that is a lot of pressure. While I know that I have had my fair share of parental failures, overall I think I am doing pretty good. I have learned and unlearned so much about what it means to be the parent I strive to be and what I really want to instill in my child.  In the three years of being able to call myself a mother,  the top three things I have learned thus far are:

1.) Mommy and daddy are only human. Mommy has a temper and even though she hasn't quite gotten a hold of it (or the completely inappropriate vocabulary that goes along with it) in front of you does not mean she isn't still a somewhat decent, conscientious human being.  Daddy smokes cigarettes in front of you sometimes, but that does not take away the fact that in almost every other way he is a perfect example of what a man should be for you.  I don't ever want to force myself to be something solely because research shows that kids thrive when their parents do ABC and raise them with XYZ.  This does not mean I don't think that I should research and educate myself on where my child is developmentally. I want to be inspired by literature to improve myself as a mother. But, I want my son to see me on the uprise in all that I do, even at being a good mom. I want him to see the whole process of coming across an idea, entertaining it, reading about it, getting angry or emotional about the way this affects our world and our personal lives, carrying forward with it, or dismissing it. Then, I want him to see me try 100 times to walk the walk. I want him to see me succeed and fail equally. But, most importantly, I want him to see someone that is constantly reflecting, evolving, and improving. My well-being, and I truly believe his as well,  can't afford to play perfect, holding myself to impossible standards that will eventually break his heart when he learns I am not the woman I pretended to be.... which would have been, ironically, for his own contentment. 

2.) "I'm okay" is the absolute most powerful phrase that you can give to a young child.  We constantly remind Silas that no matter what circumstances he may find himself in, he is okay.  Oh no! You're sad? *hug hug kiss kiss* You're okay.... Oh no, a boo boo! *kiss kiss* You're okay... She pushed you away? That isn't cool. *hug hug* You're okay though. This is not to say that his feelings of sadness, pain or rejection should not be validated, they should be without question. We comfort hurt feelings with hugs, kisses and lots of love, but, I like to think that just as importantly, he is learning to let whatever is upsetting him go. No matter how bad he may feel, he will know that his beautiful spirit is untouchable so long as he understands he is "okay." I also feel that this simple affirmation lays the groundwork for being responsible for his own happiness and contentment, not allowing others to dictate his own personal well-being. Perhaps as he gets older I will notice a need for his feelings to be further explored, and you bet I will be by his side as he works through any emotional turmoil he encounters. For now, love and affirmations do the trick and set an invaluable foundation of him knowing that he is absolutely, positively okay. 

3.) Reflection is key. If I never thought about all the things I have done wrong at the end of every day, I would never improve. If I only thought about all the things I have done wrong at the the end of every day, I would just get worse. I used to hate the feeling of being angry.  I would ignore it until it would simply consume my train of thought. One time, during a ventilation session with a friend, she offered an empowering idea: "Anger means you are inspired." I still don't think it is the most pleasant feeling in the world, but I have learned to listen to what it means and where it is coming from. It almost always comes from a place of hurt, a place that needs love. Well, to quote Bradley Nowell, "lovin' is what I got (and it takes reflection to..) remember that." In order to evolve as an individual, a woman, a wife, a daughter, a friend and of course, as a mother, it is going to take a great deal of looking within to develop understanding. Through understanding, there is love. With love, all things are possible.

Silas has taught me more about myself in 3 years than I have learned in my previous 23 on this Earth. It is impossible to deny the beauty of life after seeing it through the eyes of a child. I look forward to continuing this wild ride with my wonderful family and cannot wait to see what other lessons are in store for us. 

Passing a kidney stone like a Yogi

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha

So today I passed a kidney stone. OUCH! We went to Fantasy Island for the JDRF walk and I could feel the tenderness of my lower stomach and back begin. On the way home, the pain was excruciating, to say the least. I finally got home and immediately curled up with a heating pad and frozen bag of vegetables. Cold is not necessarily indicated for kidney stone pain, but it's what I thought I needed. As I tossed and turned, kicked and screamed, stretched and cried --just waiting for this pain to cease, my loving boyfriend, in an attempt to help with my suffering, found a YouTube video for me, a yoga session dedicated to kidney and bladder health. The moment I laid into savasana (well, as best as I could manage to sit still with a stone ripping it's way down my ureter) I felt at peace. I still felt the pain, but the imagery that Dr. Melissa, the yoga instructor painted empowered me to own that pain. She pointed the focus of the session to be water. At first, I said "OMG just start," as I went to fast forward the beginning meditation I was immediately drawn in. She went on to say each breathe was a wave rippling through our body, each thought was traveling down a stream and instead of following each one we stand above the stream on a bridge watching them pass. The thing that really got me was when she discussed emotion. She said that it is less important what emotion we are feeling, and more important that we are letting them flow.  I thought about my pain. I thought about it being temporary and I thought about it being necessary to feel it. Had I brought myself to the ER (Which, unless I was positive a kidney stone was what I was experiencing, I would have!) I would have been given morphine to numb the pain. The pain that I was feeling would not been able to have run it's course and the fear of that pain coming back would not be so easily diffused by the confidence that I overcame it. About an hour later, the stone passed. I never finished the yoga session that day, but I did return to the present moment again and again, even as it presented hurt. I gained courage that day. 

I truly believe our emotions are related to our physical health on a cellular level. I will never, because of the complexity, be able to understand the whole picture,  how each part of us is related to another, or how each one of us relates to one another, but oneness is my belief. I am never less than fascinated when I do feel these relationships and how they contribute to my whole, our whole. 

Gotta feel to heal, yo. One Love.


Yoga Session for Kidney and Bladder